AUTHOR: Mark TITLE: DATE: 8:05:00 AM ----- BODY: I read other blogs, to keep up on current discussions, thoughts, and just so I can be "COOL!" I was reading Pomomusing's rant on social action and his frustration. I would like to echo his voice on my blog as well. I totally agree and feel your frustration. Being a youth pastor, I wrestle with praxis. What do we do? How do we do "it?" Will it really make change happen? The youth community I serve has decided to fight slavery. We have read, studied, read, discussed, researched, read..... And we decided to "do something" for the region of Darfur in Sudan. We are raising money, raising awareness in our community: we have spoken at weekend services, wrote letters, we are holding a candlelight vigil in our city's park next month. In March, we are having Francis Bok, a former slave come to our city and he is speaking at an assembly at our local High School, and we are sponsoring a community event and having him speak. Yet, I still wrestle with what it means "to be the church." I don't want to promote social action, I want the spirit of Jesus to transform our world. So how do "we" do that? -------- AUTHOR: Mark TITLE: DATE: 6:02:00 PM ----- BODY: Purpose Driven I was taking a shit today and I was pondering Purpose Driven Youth Ministry. It was a book that had an impact on my ministry, at the time. I was so excited because I thought the void in my ministry was finally being filled. I remember thinking to myself that Doug Fields has walked in my shoes and he knows what he is talking about, and I still think he does. I am just not sure if what he is talking about is enough. I think he is definitely on to something. He has written more material, spoken at more conferences, and has a better ministry than I will ever hope to have. Many people in the "emergent" movement, speak badly of pdym and such, but I think we digress a little when we do that. He has given many youth pastors hope and life, or Jesus has, whatever. I just don't think he goes "deep" enough for me. I want to get to the source. I want to get behind the curtain. PDYM is more surface, more structure oriented, when I think we need to look at the foundation of it all. I think that youth ministry in general is a by product of modernity. I think youth ministry is crying out for something way more "deep" than PDYM, any thoughts??? -------- AUTHOR: Mark TITLE: DATE: 9:23:00 PM ----- BODY: Pathetic Another Sunday down, another youth group done, and I am still not satisfied. Why do we fret over the "kids" who didn't show up. Why do we worry about "numbers?" I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. It makes me so fucking sick. Which ultimately means I am sick of myself. Why am I so unable to be satisfied with myself? Why do I need to find my worth in something like "numbers?" I am sure if 200 kids showed up tonight I would feel like the greatest man on Earth. I would feel like I am the most talented youth pastor ever. What the fuck? I wish I could quit. I want to leave. Just pack my stuff, say, "See ya!" And never look back. Never set eyes on another church soaked in modernity. But somewhere down deep I know it's not about the church, it's not about modernity, its not about numbers,......its about me. It's about my faith, my sense of self-worth. It's about my priorities and my desires. Its because I don't truly feel comfortable with myself and my own abilities and efforts. Its also about how I don't know what I am doing or why I am doing it. I had a great conversation with a student tonight. She had great questions, great concerns, and a sincere love for the God of the universe. Yet my concerns are with how many kids showed up or how well the band played. I work for an audience of One, that is one. I hate what I have made youth ministry. I hate what my church has made youth ministry. I hate what the world has made youth ministry. I need to get out. In time I need to leave. I need to move on, that is evident. I want to fall in love with a God that has captured my heart. I don't want to serve 2 masters any longer. I can't serve to masters. I choose Jesus..................... -------- AUTHOR: Mark TITLE: DATE: 9:22:00 PM ----- BODY:
Pathetic Posted by Hello -------- AUTHOR: Mark TITLE: DATE: 10:07:00 PM ----- BODY: It is the eve of Sunday.......... The night of which I have dread for the past 4 years. Most people don't understand, most people don't get it. It's what I do, it's who I am. I should look forward to Sunday's, I should anticipate and embrace the excitement. But it's not excitement, in the sense of, I just can't wait!! It's more like I have to be something that I am not, or rather I have to stand for something that makes me want to vomit. This week our senior pastor video taped a plane ride with a local small plane owner, in order to illustrate his points on his sermon on attitude. Get it, attitude - altitude, how clever. Or how cheesey? He pulls verses from all over scripture, bringing them together so neatly. My pride overwhelms me. My ego takes center stage. I CAN'T STAND IT!! I want to vomit. Am I the only one that sees the guy behind the curtain? Certainly, somebody else can see? Isn't there more to the story than plane rides and tricks? Doesn't scripture mean more than an encyclopedia or some resource book? Can we just pick some verses that talk about attitude and claim them? My ego will be the end of me. My pride will consume me. I need help. I need a new place to worship. Would it be strange for one of the pastors at a church worship at a different church from which he is a pastor? -------- AUTHOR: Mark TITLE: DATE: 8:03:00 PM ----- BODY: Indiana weather.... Another strange day in the state of Indiana. Yesterday it was 61 degrees, today it is snowing, go figure. Another reason for me to leave this state....I think God is trying to communicate something. It has been decided. I am attending the Nashville Emergent Conference. My hope is that it will be more rewarding than last years. It seems the format has changed, so I am looking forward to it again, hopefully this time I won't be disappointed. Thursday is here again, it goes so damn fast. I hope July comes like a freakin hurricane. I am ready to move, ready to be challenged, ready to see what God has in store for us. The stay here has been interesting. It has had its ups and downs. It has had many more downs than ups, but the ups are still good. Relationships have been forged, they will be the toughest thing about leaving. I am worried about some of the students. Looking them in the face and telling them the news will probably be one of the toughest things. Yet, if God is for it, who can be against it? Most of the closest relationships will most likely already know. It has been a tough year, one of the hardest years for me. I think I should have left a year ago, but it is all in God's timing. I hope I am smart enough for school. I have been trying to stretch my self and read some things that are way too hard. Derrida and others on post-structuralism; they have been translated into English but they may as well have stayed in French because I don't know what the hell they are saying. I grasp the understanding of negative theology - atleast the basic idea - but this difference idea, it is some place I have never dreamed of my mind going, wow. I am starting Jim Wallace's book on politics, hopefully it will be in my language....... -------- AUTHOR: Mark TITLE: DATE: 6:29:00 PM ----- BODY:
My friend Abe.....to be back in Mexico...I wish, I wish, I wish.... Posted by Hello -------- AUTHOR: Mark TITLE: DATE: 9:52:00 PM ----- BODY: yet another day in this crazy world, and I am still here....SWEET! I constantly worry about my life, and there are so many people out in the world that are worse off than me. I have never had a tidal wave come and destroy my house, I have never gone a day without having a drink of water, I have never been poor, I have had a car since that day I turned 16, I have a wife and 2 parents that love me, and the list could go on and on. Yet for some reason I always think I deserve better...what a jack-ass! Tomorrow I will blog about something a little more "theological" - stupid word! -------- AUTHOR: Mark TITLE: DATE: 9:07:00 PM ----- BODY: I had a good conversation with a friend today, but even though the conversation was good, my heart was sad. Many of my friends are confused and searching for truths and answers and questions, that I am not sure will be found. So what do we do? Where do we look? Jesus said that if we seek we will find, if we knock the door will be opened, but I don't see that happening. I think there has been progress made by some people, but I know for me and my friends we have this sense, this question that is nagging at our souls, WHY? What is all this for? Why do we "work" at a church? Where is the meaning? Where is the fulfillment? How do we possible carry out any type of redemption? Do the places we find ourselves even WANT redemption? My head hurts from banging it on so many walls. Sometimes I am afraid that I am running. Running as fast as I can so I don't have to stop and face reality. The reality of faith.... The reality of hurt...... The reality of meaninglessness.... These are my nightmares, these are the ghosts that haunt me. Am I going to school so that I don't have to face these realities, or am I truly seeking to find new questions and new directions. I pray that I am doing the latter. Pray with me....walk with me....search with me....long for redemption with me.... -------- AUTHOR: Mark TITLE: DATE: 5:26:00 AM ----- BODY: Another sleepless night, and early morn. Sleepless in Auburn, too bad that I'm not in Seattle yet, or that would be interesting. I tend to be overly introspective, and my mind rolls over issues, problems, joys, excitement, stress, concerns, etc. about a thousand miles/hour. Which tends to lead me to no sleep, plus my wife snores. Sunday night our youth service went very well. I need more of that type of worship in my life. I need more of any type of worship in my life. What is worship? I think it has something to do with expressing our love to God, and setting him apart as completely other. It is when we completely admit that he is lord, and we submit to his way of life, not ours. I think... -------- AUTHOR: Mark TITLE: DATE: 8:33:00 PM ----- BODY: Here we are a week from Christmas, bah!! I'm not a huge Christmas fan, or so I say. I actually down deep have a strong love for Christmas. I love warm, intimate moments with friends and family, I like giving things to people, and I even love the Christmas atmosphere. I think it is the guilt that comes with gifts and moments. The gifts I give, seem to not always be what I want to give. I want to give so much more, but financially I could be better, so I give the "okay" gifts. And then I feel bad because I couldn't get anyone what I really wanted to get them and I feel bad because I am poor and I feel like a loser because EVERYONE's got money. Or so the Germans would have us believe. I am very excited about graduate school. It feels so far away and the process of getting there is going to be very tedious and stressful. I pray that if this truly is God's decision, that things will smooth out. We shall See. -------- AUTHOR: Mark TITLE: DATE: 6:55:00 PM ----- BODY: Sorry I have been away so long. Not that there is anyone out there to be sorry to, just me, the one guy who sometimes reads my site. Maybe one day I will feel safe enough to pass my site on to others to read. Right now I am just content to type this as my online journal. If too many people were to read my site I would probably be making an early exit from my job, which sometimes would be a blessing. Peterson got the death penalty. I am sad. I think I am going to investigate how I go about writing a letter on his behalf. Ending a life doesn't seem right, not matter how you look at it. -------- AUTHOR: Mark TITLE: DATE: 1:00:00 PM ----- BODY: Still Searching...... "Send forth your light and your truth, let them guide me; let them bring me to your holy mountain, to the place where you dwell." Psalm 43:3 I think I receive comfort from the psalms' because the psalmist seems to still be searching. I am so tired of listening to people that have all things figured out. Why do some Christians feel that they have found it, discovered it, or "it" was revealed to them? Maybe there is comfort in having the answer, or safety in the answer? It all comes back to the move, THE MATRIX, when Cypher says, "Ignorance is bliss." To not questions issues, or to have dialogue about issues, than you can stay ignorant, and to be ignorant, is to find comfort it what you "think" you know. But when you question what people "know" or if you come to a different place of understanding, than chaos MUST follow. I was talking with a friend today about homosexuality and abortion; two seriously hot topics in Christian circles, and in the United States. I fear I don't have the patience to keep the dialogue going. I know it is important, but my head hurts from banging it into the wall. -------- AUTHOR: Mark TITLE: DATE: 11:10:00 AM ----- BODY: Alphabet Soup There is a story about a Jewish farmer who, through carelessness, did not get home before sunset one Sabbath and was forced to spend the day in the field, waiting for sunset the next day before being able to return home. Upon his return home he was met by a rather perturbed rabbi who chided him for his carelessness. Finally the rabbi asked him: 'What did you do out there all day in the field? Did you at least pray?' The farmer answered: 'Rabbi, I am not a clever man. I don't know how to pray properly. What I did was simply to recite the alphabet all day and let God form the words for Himself.' When we come to God we bring the alphabet of our lives. If our hearts and minds are full of warmth, love, enthusiasm, song and dance, then these are the letters we bring. If they are full of tiredness, despair, blandness, pain and boredom, then those are our letters. Bring them. Spend them. Celebrate them. It is God's task to make the words! -------- AUTHOR: Mark TITLE: DATE: 7:52:00 AM ----- BODY: John 11 contains the story of Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead. Was Lazarus dead? Jesus says earlier that those who believe in him will never die. Jesus wept. Did he weep for Lazarus or for those who couldn't grasp the idea that Jesus is the resurrection and the life? What does that even mean? As I was reading the story this morning I could not help but picture myself in Lazarus' position. Am I dead? Do I need to be resurrected? Do I need to connect with Jesus, the resurrection and the life? Have I been asleep? Have we been asleep to the reality of Jesus? Perhaps Jesus not only brought life to Lazarus but also to Mary and Martha. When we come in contact with the reality of Jesus, then we can truly live. Jesus was fully human, yet he lived as though he was in another world. He saw things and acted in a way that was completely other, still he was grounded in the culture. What does this mean for us? -------- AUTHOR: Mark TITLE: DATE: 6:40:00 PM ----- BODY: Mars Hill Graduate School was and will be an excellent fit. I felt very confident that MHGS is where I need to go. It definitely had its problems. SOUL, TEXT, CULTURE, those are the themes for the school. They want to make sure that those three things are woven together. The biggest problem I had with the school is the CULTURE. I love culture. I think culture shapes the gospel, and gospel shapes the culture. The problem I had was the culture at the school was not a true reflection of the world. The school is entirely white, yuppie, western American people. Which I am proud to be, but I want some diversity, I want some different cultures to rub up against. Yes, that can be found in Seattle, but I think it is important that it be represented in the school as well. The assured me that is an issue they are trying to deal with, I asked about the faculty. Why not have diversity within the faculty, didn't get a good answer. But there was a defining moment for me. One of the theology professor's told me that MHGS, "Is a community that won't give you answers, but will help you ask the right questions." What a breath of fresh air!!! -------- AUTHOR: Mark TITLE: DATE: 6:40:00 PM ----- BODY:
While in Seattle I ran into my first ever street preacher. I was a hoot, he told me I needed to repent or I would burn. I pretty much agree with that statement. The surprising thing to me was people would sit and listen, not that he was saying anything interesting, but he was entertaining. He could yell pretty loud, oh and he wore a nice suit! Posted by Hello -------- AUTHOR: Mark TITLE: DATE: 6:37:00 PM ----- BODY:
I did my own tour of Seattle. I went to Pike Place, which is an awesome market where they throw fish, sell fresh fruit and veggies, and also the home of the original STARBUCKS! Oh yeah baby!! I bought a nice mug that can only be found there, or on the internet if you look hard enough. The town was sweet! I can't wait to go back!! Posted by Hello -------- AUTHOR: Mark TITLE: DATE: 6:35:00 PM ----- BODY:
I am back from Seattle. What a trip!! I have been to a few cities: Chicago, Houston, Dallas, Detroit, Toronto, Indianapolic, Oklahoma City, Cancun, Tampa, etc. Yet, Seattle is now in my top slot for favorite city. It was the most beautiful place. I have never been to Colorado, which I think I would really dig, but for now Seattle is the place to be, and it is the place I am heading!!! Posted by Hello -------- AUTHOR: Mark TITLE: DATE: 4:09:00 PM ----- BODY: I began re-reading "Stories of Emergence," which tells the stories of other Jesus followers who have gone through a transition and have realized that there might be more to the Christian faith than they thought or were programmed to think. It is an excellent and thought provocking book the real problem with it though, in my opinion, is that it pushes me more to the edge of leaving my current position. Which is probably good, because I need to be pushed over the edge. I am trying to control my excitement. I leave for Seattle this Friday. I have never been to Seattle, and the possibility of moving there is a little overwhelming, in the best sense of the word. I just hope that I can be objective. I realize that I can romanticise the trip and the school and not think logically or spiritually. "Spiritually" means listening to God. I hope that he will be loud and clear, for me and for my wife. I guess I should try and listen to him, which I find hard to do. I am so caught up with myself. I love "me" and I think that I have more control and a better understanding of life than God. Which is absurd, and impossible, but never the less true. I atleast can be honest about that. God just needs to smack me from time to time to remind me that I have it ass-backwards, as usual. The hard part this week will be to stay focused and get my responsibilities taken care of, which is hard. I can get so distracted and so off course that I blow everything off. I hope that is not a practice I take with me when I go back to school. I wasn't a very good student at Milligan College. I wasn't focused, I had no goals, no drive, no zeal or real desire to study or learn. This time, I am ready, I think. I want to learn, I want to absorb, I want to be filled, to be challenged, to grow, to ask, to seek, to knock.... I am trying to walk the passage, to find the passage, to get my mind around the passage, to be the passage. I do not understand where I am, only I do not like standing around, I need to move forward, move closer to the source. Yes, move closer to the source. Near the source I will find life, near the source I will find meaning and hope and peace. The source is the answer to all my questions. -------- AUTHOR: Mark TITLE: DATE: 2:48:00 PM ----- BODY: My pschologist suggested I start searching the Bible and use the Bible as a guide to help in finding my identity and to help me find some closure for some relationships in my life. Psalm 85:10-13 Love and Truth meet in the street, Right Living and Whole Living embrace and kiss! Truth sprouts green from the ground, Right Living pours down from the skies! Oh yes! God gives Goodness and Beauty; our land responds with Bounty and Blessing. Right Living strides out before him, and clears a path for his passage.Posted by Hello Every day I am more and more confident that I am so how on the right path. The Bibles says that, "all things God works for the good of those who love him," but honestly it doesn't look that way from my perspective. But I will let what I know about God dictate what I don't know. God has been good to me for my whole life, why should I expect anything different? I'm not expecting riches, or material gain, but wholeness, joy, and peace. Yes, those are the words I seek. Those are the things my soul craves. -------- AUTHOR: Mark TITLE: DATE: 6:34:00 PM ----- BODY: This is where the blog gets real personal. Today, I have spent a lot of time on the toilet. I have "the shits." NOT a good day. But I have been able to get a lot of reading done. I have been reading the book, "Race Matters." What a book! I think I have been a prejudice asshole my whole life without really knowing it! He, Cornell West, has some great things to say. Much of what he says I don't think I fully grasp because he is so smart and is usage of words is profound. But I realize that America as a whole: rich/poor, every race, every religion, every political party, needs to take what he says to heart and hand. We need to begin a wholistic approach to poverty. Not just morally. Which most of us believe. "Pull yourself of by your bootstraps," (if you can afford them) is not going to sell nor is it going to be affective. Telling people to believe in themselves and believe in doing some "right" things is going to work. Nor is the government creating structures and policy to help the poor going to do much good either. Some combination of the two, what I would coin, "wholistic healing." So way our community at large needs to help people embrace their worth and their value as human beings (God's creation). Only then can our "America" be more homogeneous. Unless we do something down this road, West, says the divide between the haves and the have nots is going to grow out of control. Post your thoughts. Posted by Hello -------- AUTHOR: Mark TITLE: DATE: 10:12:00 PM ----- BODY: Today was another appointment with my psychologist. He is a real good guy and (I think) a good psychologist. He is very passionate about his faith. Which today caused a serious rub. Which is odd because I am a pastor, but it happened. While discussion direction for my life , he asked me how much time I spent in the scriptures. Which led us to a discussion about scripture. Yet again, I found myself a fish out of water. I am concerned with the question of pride and the question about wanting to be different from the norm. Do I just want to be "different?" Do I think that I am smarter or that I have ascented to some higher plain of thinking? I hope not. I really hope that I am truely seeking out my identity and my path. But someone please give me some insight into scripture. I do need to spend more time in scripture, but is a daily devotional the answer? I spending 15 minutes a day in God's word the answer? Maybe I just need to humble myself and search the scriptures. Maybe I just need to look for God in the Bible. Seems a little odd. Anyone got any good answers? I feel funny posing that question, but it seems to be the right question to ask. Posted by Hello -------- AUTHOR: Mark TITLE: DATE: 10:46:00 AM ----- BODY:
Last Night was the release of Halo 2. The most anticipated game, EVER! I stayed up until 4:30 AM playing. It is eveything expect, and more I am sure. I still have high expectations. Tomorrow is my first real test, multi-player. I can't wait.  Posted by Hello -------- AUTHOR: Mark TITLE: DATE: 9:47:00 PM ----- BODY: Sunday is over. Yet another weekend. Sometimes it feels like I live weekend to weekend. I know soon I will wish I was doing youth minitry and not going to school, but right now the grass looks pretty green. I like to complain. I like to rant and rave. I think that I am always right, and you better not disagree with me. Man, I am confused. Its a good thing that I see a psychologist, because I would recommend that I see one. Is happiness attainable? Does anyone know? Really? Can anyone really be satisfied with work, or home, or church? I want to meet the person who is satisfied. Am I alone in this? I think I am going to start playing the lottery. Shit, you never know, right? -------- AUTHOR: Mark TITLE: DATE: 5:01:00 PM ----- BODY: I had an interesting conversation today with a member of our church. I have worked with this woman closely for my entire stay at this church. We have become very close over the past couple of years (nothing funny) and she stopped by to talk with me. We chatted and she wanted me to know that her family was planning on moving. They are selling their business and getting out of dodge. I can't say that I blame her. There is something extremely heavy happening at our church. I don't know if it is some kind of spiritual warfare or what, but there seems to be this cloud hanging over everything. I hope that I haven't helped create some strange atmosphere. I think my biggest fear is that I helped create what is happening at our church. I guess I have always viewed myself as some sort of light, showing people a path that maybe they didn't see before. I realize that type of thinking is very arrogant. I admit that I see myself much differently than most people view me. I hope I haven't been destructive. I want to advance God's kingdom not hinder it, if it can be hindered. The more I talk with people the more convinced I am that seminary is the right choice for me. Yet the thing I lack is closure. My psychologist tells me that I must pursue closure. But what does that mean anyway? Does it mean feel comfortable? Is it possible to feel "comfortable?" I am not sure that I even want to be comfortable, I want to be challenged and I want to be free. But comfortable? no. So closure? Anyone got any ideas on what that word might mean? Maybe it means satisfied with moving on? Something to think about I guess, I assume that will be the topic of my next session with the physiologist. I wonder if anyone is listening? -------- AUTHOR: Mark TITLE: DATE: 8:18:00 PM ----- BODY: Today was a day like most days; I didn't really do anything. It's not that I am lazy or that I want to quit. It is almost like things are so overwhelming, sometimes I just don't want to move. Going to see a counselor was a good idea, but I think he is starting to make me deal and face issues I have not dealt with or have wanted to face. I think it is a good place to be, but definitely not an easy place. Simple things seem to excite me, while complex things make me drag. Am I hopeless? I hope my Dad is feeling well. I should probably call, but part of me doesn't want to know. I am sure is as good as he was the last time I saw him. I want to be excited that he is still with us, but part of me wants some type of closure. "Closure": what does this word really mean? My therapist uses this word frequently. Is it possible? I mean moving past the coming death of my father, moving past a painful job transition, and moving into a brand new world, are these things something a sane person can do? Maybe its good that I am insane. Or atleast that is how I feel sometimes. The therapist thinks I need to embrace God's simple truthes. So what might those be? I tried to tell him that simple answers don't rest easy with me. I know that God is good and that he is the God of peace and he is the great counselor. But what does that all mean? Maybe for the first time in my life I am beginning to find out what those things mean. Maybe it is life experience that teaches us about the ways of God, living with him educates us on who he is. That seems to make a little sense. I can't simple grasp these profound words because they are impossible to full grasp, but maybe I could come to better understand them as I experience who he is. God if you are reading this blog, which I am sure you are in some wierd sort of way, help me to experience you during this chaotic and stressful time. Show me what it means to trust you and to rest in your arms. Help bring some of these Christian cliche's to life. Help me to be strong and weak. Show me how to weep and mourn, yet continue to grow. Show me how to be a man, a husband, a friend, a pastor, and a child. There are things I will never understand and there are things I will never except. But help me experience you as God the Father. Show me how to be your child and how to run to you with the expectation of a hug. Many days I try and ignore the things in my life that are weighing on me. Show me what it means to give those things over to you, and what it means to carry your burden, the one that is easy and light. Because my life seems to heavy to carry. What does it mean to have a peace beyond understanding? Have I ever experience it? Would I know what it might look like? These are things I struggle to accept. You have no need to prove yourself to me. I have no right, no grounds to question you or your word, but I'm struggling to find the light on my own. Be my light, guide me to understanding, help me stand, help me to believe, I want to believe and trust so bad. God I am yours. All of me. -------- AUTHOR: Mark TITLE: DATE: 6:29:00 AM ----- BODY:
This is my dog Max. He is wearing a cone around his next to keep him from chewing his feet. He has allergies in his skin and he will dig until he bleeds. We tell everyone that he dressed up for Halloween. Max is the best dog in the world. He is a Jack Russell Terrier, which means he is a little hyper. But he is the happiest dog I have ever seen. He is so excited when I come home from being away. I recommend Jack Russell Terriers to anyone who has patients, forgiveness, and who loves dogs.  Posted by Hello -------- AUTHOR: Mark TITLE: DATE: 10:16:00 PM ----- BODY:
Today was voting day. Damn it felt good to vote for Kerry. I pray he wins. Pride is a part of it, but also for fear of the next four years with Bush. I really think we need a change of direction and I think that would send a message the rest of the world that we aren't all Bush policy fans. I just hope that I don't get linched because I voted for Kerry. My stomach is telling me that Bush will win this week. But nothing is impossible with God. So I guess we will see what happens. Posted by Hello -------- AUTHOR: Mark TITLE: DATE: 10:34:00 AM ----- BODY:
My Dad! His health may be failing and he may die soon, but this is how I will always remember him. I think most kids think of there Dad as superman. I remember having those conversations about who's Dad can beat up who. I always defended my Dad and argued for my Dad being strong and ripped. I realized later in my life that my Dad was 5' 4" tall and weighed about 135 lbs. So maybe my Dad couldn't beat up anybody. But in my heart he will always be tough. Posted by Hello -------- AUTHOR: Mark TITLE: DATE: 10:29:00 AM ----- BODY: This place has saved my mind. I'm not not sure I would be sane if I couldn't escape to Starbucks. I think that there is an atmosphere of mental safety there for me. There is something about coffee, discussion, relaxation, and coffee, it represents to me, something way more profound than a coffee shop. Posted by Hello -------- AUTHOR: Mark TITLE: DATE: 10:51:00 PM ----- BODY:
good advice Posted by Hello -------- AUTHOR: Mark TITLE: DATE: 10:16:00 PM ----- BODY: I finally got XP loaded and working, a huge process! Today I had the most incredible experience. I was in Arby's of all places. We were on our way to the "Haunted Jail." A popular Halloween site. While in Arby's, one of the more conservative Christians I know approached me. He told me that he had heard that I was going to vote for Kerry/Edwards and that we needed to talk. Then, right there in Arby's, he said, "I don't know how somebody can claim to be a Christian and vote for someone who believes in abortion, killing babies." He said this, right in front of a bunch of kids from the youth group. I have never felt so attacked in my life. This man has never talked with me, never had any discussion about the weather or family, he has never asked me about how my father is doing, the first thing he can bring up to me is questioning what I claim to be true. Jesus says I should love him, but right now hate fits better. It even feels better to hate. But I want to love. I want to forgive. I want to show mercy and grace. I want to be open minded and understand his position and what he is thinking. I have been there. I used to be an ultra-conservative Chrisitian, who was driven by arrogance and pride. I know exactly what is going through his mind. So I should extend to him love. But I am still hurt. I am still wounded. I don't belong here. I don't fit in. This is not my place. But where do I fit in? Am I looking for an excuse to leave? Am I looking for reasons to retreat to Seattle? Do I just want excuses to be done with this place? I am tired, stressed, confused, and worried. But probably the most troubling thing is that I am unhappy. I don't have a joy and enthusiasm that should come with following Christ, or at least what I think should come with following Him. Could I be wrong? I am sure I am wrong about something. But could Brad be right? Could Bush be the chosen one? Could conservative Christian answers really be truth? Maybe I just want to be different. My hope still lies in a risen savior, who is giving life to the created order. My hope lies in a revolution that will transform this entire world. My hope lies not in a plastic Jesus, but in a messiah who is flesh and blood. My hope rests in THE TRUTH. -------- AUTHOR: Mark TITLE: DATE: 1:46:00 PM ----- BODY: My computer is currently undergoing surgery, so hopefully it will be up soon and I can continue the ranting and raving. -------- AUTHOR: Mark TITLE: DATE: 2:49:00 PM ----- BODY: I have been away from blogging for a while, but I think I will start back up again. I seemed to be in a very wierd funk lately. I seem to be having a lot of out of body experiences. I have talked to a few people over the years who have had tragic events happen in their lives. Now, I am having all these things go on at once, and yet somehow it doesn't seem real. It's not that I am rejecting them, or that I can't admit what's happenning, it just doesn't seem real. Thought of the day: I think I really want to be a deep, intellectual, and profound thinker, but I'm not. -------- AUTHOR: Mark TITLE: DATE: 11:34:00 AM ----- BODY:
going down...or up? Posted by Hello -------- AUTHOR: Mark TITLE: DATE: 11:02:00 AM ----- BODY:
Faith and spirituality for me has been a journey, a journey that has had many roads. Yet one thing continues to be consistent: the desire to search. I do not know if this is a search for truth, God, faith, answers, or questions, but this search has captivated my heart.  Posted by Hello -------- AUTHOR: Mark TITLE: DATE: 3:57:00 PM ----- BODY: And life goes on. Being a pastor can be a tremendously exciting and rewarding lifestyle. It also can get relentless and unending. I struggle not having time to do the things husbands and home owners ought to do. It would be nice to have weekends and regular days off that would allow me to work on my house and do "normal" things. I continue the battle of whether or not to go back to school. I have a strong desire to study and learn, which I hope to always have, but the real question is God leading me away from Dayspring. This is not an easy thing. I love the students we have, I love spending time building relationships and influencing their lives. But I guess what I lack is a sense of fulfillment. I wonder if people in ministry are really happy? If they are really satisfied with their positions, and if most are, maybe I need to check out other options. The struggle remains. I continue to battle my sin. Many days I am concerned that I am controlled by my sin. I want to be Christ-like and I want to like the kingdom life, but I know in my heart that I am not. Should that keep me from being a pastor? Sometimes I think it should but I know that it won't. -------- AUTHOR: Mark TITLE: DATE: 10:44:00 PM ----- BODY: My dad had his "radiation blast," this afternoon. The tumor on his brain should be taken care of by this procedure. It was a very draining day for me, I can't imagine what it was like for my parents. I learned today that my father is much more in tune to what it means to be a follower of Christ than I. During the waiting period before his procedure all he could think about was what ministry area he should get involved in after his surgery was over. He never spoke of dying, or of the cancer coming back, all he thought about was how he could serve once he recovers. I was amazed. My father suffers from some slight learning disabilities, and with his family background, he will never be able to read at the level I read at, nor will he ever be able to think at the level of a "theologian." Today I came face to face with what it means to be part of the kingdom, I learned today about the life that Jesus was offering. I hope that one day I will be able to attain that lofty goal. My father with his simple ways and with his simple thinking, has taught me more that a hundred books, and more than a thousand sermons. I hope that I can be like my father, and I never thought I would ever say that. He was worried because he can't write. I asked him to write down the things he thought he was gifted in, and he was upset because he could write them down. Even though he can't write perfectly, he has more gifts that most people ever dream of having. -------- AUTHOR: Mark TITLE: DATE: 4:10:00 PM ----- BODY: God you know the thoughts and the intents of my heart better than I do. I hope that I am truly seeking out what the kingdom should be, and I hope that I am not just a cynical bastard. Maybe I am so unhappy with who I am, that I pour out my frustrations on everything around me. Or, maybe it's just that the church doesn't have a clue about Jesus. That definitely sounds like an arrogant statement. Today, as I am getting ready for tonight, I ponder my existence. I hate it when my mind continues to dig deeper. Why can't I simply be a "happy" Christian, maybe I should have taken the blue pill. -------- AUTHOR: Mark TITLE: DATE: 11:32:00 AM ----- BODY: As always I am struggling with my faith. I am curious about what it means to be "Christ-like." The church community that I am a part of grows good people. Did the message of Christ come in order to grow good people? What about the revolution, the transforming message of the messiah? What about the redemption of the whole created order? Where is the power? I want to scream, and yell, and kick until somebody shows me where I can find this type of message. Won't somebody tell me? -------- AUTHOR: Mark TITLE: DATE: 2:43:00 PM ----- BODY: I came across an interesting quote today that I think requires some thought: In the spiritual life, the word 'discipline' means "the effort to create some space in which God can act." Discipline means to prevent everything in your life from being filled up. Discipline means that somewhere you're not occupied, and certainly not preoccupied. In the spiritual life, discipline means to create that space in which something can happen that you hadn't planned or counted on. Nouwen 1995 I have been increasingly interested in spiritual disciplines lately. I am currently studying the discipline of Lectio Divinia; which is changing the way I have always viewed scripture. I like that. -------- AUTHOR: Mark TITLE: DATE: 7:29:00 PM ----- BODY: This is my first attempt at "blogging." So please excuse my sloppy thought process, hopefully in the future it will become more clear. I hope to use this blog to celebrate, share, debrief, and rant about life, love, religion, and God. I chose the title Soul Shaper (which I stole from a book) because for the last 2 years, shaping is what I sense God doing; re-shaping my soul, mind, body, and outlook on life. Hopefully this trend will continue and my journey will be filled with reshaping. -------- AUTHOR: Mark TITLE: DATE: 7:25:00 PM ----- BODY: Although we cannot always preserve our recollections, yet we must do so from time to time, and at least once a day, either in the morning or in the evening. In the morning form your intention, and at night examine your conduct, what you have done, said, and thought during the day, for in each of these you may have often offended both God and your Neighbor. Thomas a Kempis --------